Why ‘one size fits all’ support isn’t right for your neurodivergent child

It’s natural, following a diagnosis of ADHD or autism for your child, that you will want to know more about it. There’s a lot to take on - from getting to grips with the science to knowing how to support your child or young person. When you go looking for information - online, via your health professional, support groups or in a bookshop - you might find yourself swamped with advice, thoughts and ideas on the ‘right approach’ to take.

My advice at this stage is to take it slowly. This is a marathon, not a sprint and you won’t have all the answers immediately – no one does.

Take your time and reflect slowly on anything you come across. Every child is unique, we know this, so it follows that your support will need to work specifically with your child, within the existing family dynamic, in a way that feels as natural as possible.

Working in layers, try to build up the right kind of support in a way that can be flexible, developed and built on – don’t try to do everything at once. Good days and not-so-good days are to be expected. A strategy that works brilliantly one day may be ineffective the next, depending on energy levels, sleep, social stress, or changes in routine. That doesn’t mean the approach is wrong, it just reflects the complexity of neurodivergence.

Again, the layers approach works here as you can be flexible, adjusting each layer of support as needed for your child. You know if you need to work on sleep quality, food levels, quiet time and exercise for example. No one understands the moving parts of your child’s life like you do.

Listen to other people of course, it’s good to share experiences and ideas, but don’t assume or expect that another family’s situation will be the same as yours.

Understanding the science

Both ADHD and autism are neurodevelopmental differences, meaning they affect how the brain processes information, manages attention, regulates emotions, and navigates social interactions. But within each diagnosis, there’s enormous variability.

For example:

• One child with ADHD might struggle with impulsivity and hyperactivity, while another might appear inattentive, missing instructions and daydreaming

• Among autistic children, one might have strong verbal skills but struggle socially, while another might be non-verbal or highly sensitive to noise and touch

  
  

Even when children share a diagnosis, their brains work differently, and this shapes how they experience the world. Genetics, environment, temperament, interests, and early experiences all form their unique set of circumstances and play a fundamental role. Think of it as different ‘wiring diagrams’ that make each child unique.

Tailoring support

Because every child experiences ADHD or autism differently, support needs to be tailored. Here are some areas where variation often shows:

• Structure and routine: Some children thrive on very clear, rigid schedules; others do better with flexible guidance

• Sensory environment: Noise, light, textures, and even taste can affect focus and wellbeing differently

• Learning approaches: Some respond well to visual aids, others to verbal instructions, hands-on practice, or interactive technology

• Emotional regulation: Coping strategies need to match the child’s style - some benefit from calm spaces or fidget tools, others from movement breaks or talking through feelings

  
  

Trial support safely

Trial and error are part of finding the right support but it’s easy to feel you’re being inconsistent or confusing.

Here are a few tips:

1. In the spirit of layers, introduce one change at a time. This helps you see what actually makes a difference

2. Set a clear timeframe. Trial a strategy for a week or two before evaluating it

3. Observe and record. Keep a simple log of what works, what triggers frustration, and what helps your child engage

4. Involve your child. Older children can express preferences: this improves buy-in and consistency. For younger children, keep it simple and explain things in a way they’ll understand

5. Communicate with school, friends, family/carers. Coordinating across environments ensures strategies aren’t conflicting

   
   

Who is supporting you?

Supporting a neurodivergent child can be tiring and overwhelming. Self-care is not optional: it helps you stay patient, consistent, and emotionally available. Maybe consider one or more of the following:

• Parent workshops or peer groups offer practical advice and emotional support

• Family therapy or coaching can help manage sibling dynamics and reduce stress

• Trusted books or podcasts can offer reassurance and new strategies

• A chat with a neutral friend or family member can help you with perspective, providing a chance to offload a little

• Take time out whenever possible to walk, read, exercise, watch TV – to divert your mind

• Prioritise sleep, diet and exercise to give yourself the best foundation for energy and positivity

  
  

There simply isn’t a ‘one-size-fits-all’ solution. Even within the same family, two children with identical diagnoses may need completely different approaches. The goal is to understand your child’s unique profile, trial strategies thoughtfully, and build a supportive network around them.

Every child will have strengths and challenges, good days and bad days, and that’s okay – it’s the same in every household the world over. With tailored support, patience, and collaboration with your network, your child can thrive in ways that are unique to them.

As a clinical psychologist I can help with your journey – from assessment to diagnosis. We also have some interesting plans to make further support, strategies and guidance accessible and available. We’ll keep you posted but, as always, we welcome any ideas you might have or solutions you’re seeking so we can incorporate feedback into our next phase.